I AM IN DEEP SHIT.

A letter to ABS-CBN, GMA AND TV5

Hi! I hope mag make-time kayo to support your fellow voters para sa nalalapit na halalan. sana magkaroon kayo ng segment to get to know the politicians who will run for 2016.

Di ko alam kung may nag suggest na ba, if meron, ibig sabihin may need/ sense of urgency para sa idea na ito.

The idea is to ask the politicians to submit a 10 min video na nakalagay ang achievements nila bilang kung ano yung posisyon nila ngayon, tas another 10min video for their plans for the country. Tapos if possible (as in walang bias) ay gumawa kayo ng 10 min video din ng mga past issues or cases about them in a very informative manner lang. dapat walang ibang iniimply.

Yung 10mins per segment, suggestion lang pero advisable siguro na mas maraming time ang i-allot sa higher positions or ok lang din naman na mag focus na lang din sa president at vice pero mas ok kung kaya ang lahat.

This might be ambitious but we know you can.

you have enough resources at convincing capabilities para ma push ang ganitong klaseng idea.

At least sa ganitong paraan, hindi lang hearsay hearsay o di kaya ang pagiging good looking or pagiging matinik ang pangalan ang pagbabasehan ng mga Pilipino sa pag boto. atsaka at least alam niyo na you tried to educate us tungkol sa mga posibleng tao na iboboto namin.

I'm not sorry for taking your time but i am truly grateful that you read this.

12:25 am and i am bawling like hell. 

I am crying for the world and i'm crying because i can't do anything that can help change the world today. I can't give my sympathies to those who were affected nor can I help protect the world from the evil beings that walk here on earth; All I can do is pray, pray for them, pray for everyone.

I am in so much pain because my heart can't process how a person can kill dozens of innocent people just because. Why are they doing this? why is the world filled with so much hate and evil? most of us just wanted to live a peaceful life, so why can't they give us that? Peace?

I read in one of my friend's status:

"The teenagers who murdered the people in Paris are terrorists disguised as Syrian refugees, who were accepted by France."

How you can you kill the people who accepted you wholeheartedly into their country to help you escape death from your own country? Can you even sleep at night? what are you fighting for? Money? Power?

My heart goes to everyone who murdered innocent people in every corners of the world. It's easier and more satisfying for me to wish you guys a thousand painful deaths, but i won't. I pray that you'll turn your back on your evil ways and be one of those people who will soon make this world a better place. 

Happy Pill 2

    My heart is filled with so much love, it's pouring out of my heart like a water fountain. Now don't mistake love for trust (nor will) for i can love you so so much--that it's suffocating, but still not do anything about it. I'll live my life the way I want to and that is to live far away from you and far away from us, but I'll still have these feelings for you; love, lust, compassion, care and so much more, only for you. You're presence nor your existence won't matter, I'll still love you wherever you are; I'll love you even after life. So if you need some loving, I have a lot of love that I can give. Here, take it. take everything. Strip me bare and take me whole, the only thing I ask is of you is to not ask what I cannot give---commitment. 

Happy Pill 1

          ABS-CBN's 2009 summer station ID, Galaw Galaw sa Tag-araw, was the first song I ever danced to in UPLB. In our NSTP-CWTS class, they grouped us into 10 or 11 and then they asked us to perform something as an ice-breaker. Our group leader, whom I had a tiny bit of crush then, was a dancer in HS and he whipped up a simple dance routine for the group to follow. The song was quite popular then as well as it was catchy and repetitive, so we chose that song for our performance. Our dance presentation wasn't outstanding nor was it unforgettable but I remember having fun while performing and I remember telling myself, "I think I can do this, survive college." I'm still alive, yes, but I haven't conquered college yet. It ain't over til it's over. #Frosh 

damn girl, you're blog is de-de-depressing.
Okay, so here's what we gonna do, ok?
we gonna write on your buddha notebook about happy-ness and all that
*pitik pitik pitik
and we gonna hold tight on that happiness, youknowhatimsayin?
so let's get movin, groovin swhoop swhoop swhoop.

completely deranged.

Lord, I don't want to feel this pain anymore. Please please please take this pain away from me. I don't think I can handle anymore of this. Ilang gabi pa ba ang iiiyak ko? Ilang kaibigan pa ba ang itataboy ko? ilang araw pa ba ako magiging ganito? Please maawa ka na sa akin kasi ayoko na po talaga ng ganito. hindi ko naman po ito ginusto. Ang sakit sakit na. walang nakaakaintindi, walang nakakaalam, walang nakakatulong sa akin. Lord, kanino pa ba ako hihingi ng tulong, sayo lang naman, hindi ba? This feeling is sucking everything that I am; my worth, my happiness, my soul. Sooner or later, i'll be left with only a hollow form of a human and nothing else.

I see red.

I'm a freak.

my soul is dead.

my heart is weak,

He should've just punched me in the gut.

I lacked the qualities he was looking for,

so to make him stay, I became I whore. 

I stripped my pride away,

stark naked and always ready to play.

He likes me more when I'm on my knees,

When on my period, he likes me least. 

He used to tell me i'm pretty,

but now he only wants my titties. 

They don't understand why I'm doing this.

To be loved, i need to beg and say 'please'.

It has always been that way,

and I can't see it changing any day. 

I have something inside of me that is slowly rotting away my soul.

It has a distinct smell, like vomit and rotten eggs, but more offensive.

I can feel it moving through my bloodstream,
from my heart to the tip of my fingers.

It pricks my skin like tiny needles,

and it makes my brain think of wild fires, ashed corpses and mother of sins.

I kill it with vodka and lime, but i think it only makes it stronger.

I experience blackouts every now and then. 

I guess, I'm not really killing it.

And it may sound crazy. *laughs

I don't know. but..uhmm

I don't think I want it to die just yet. 

Picking up the pieces of your broken, shattered self also means having to put up with the cuts from the sharp edges.

I'm so afraid of the scary thoughts that haunt me at night.
I'm so scared of the loneliness i feel during the day, even if i'm not alone.
I want to be gone, be free but where will my soul take me?
be free be free be free

the rays of the sun woke me up,

but the weather was bleak.

I can only love you this much,
If more, i'll break in your touch.
Every stare will cause an excruciating strain,
Every word spoken will be an ear-splitting pain.

I can only love you this much
I'll never be able to latch,
onto your arms for I'll burn vehemently.
or in your life for i'll vanish quickly and quietly.

To spend a lifetime together,
To live my life loving you forever
is possible; but there is none as such.
I can only love you this much.

so this is what they call pain.

         I've been talking to Xy for two months now, he broke up with his last girlfriend for more than two months. A week (or two, i think) after they've broken up, He asked my friend to help him find a way to contact me, and my friend, feeling cupid, agreed. She asked me to eat breakfast with her and no matter how early it was for a sunday morning, i couldn't decline because she just had her heart broke, which was true, and she told me she was paying for our meal. When we arrived at SB, she told me that she saw Xy inside and asked me if I wanted to leave, I don't know why but I said I don't. 

(that's why I wasn't so angry with her meddling because she gave me an option whether or not I wanted to see him.)

         Before I even stepped inside the coffee shop, I knew he was going to  talk to me but I still chose to go inside. 

I can't finish this yet. I thought I was ready but it looks like i'm not. 

I am hurting.