I have long dreamed for a TV-worth love story since forever.
Recently, my addiction has been sitting alone listening to a love song and daydreaming. It’s funny because I know it would never happen. A you and me, an us, the probability is slim. Still, I’ve daydreamed of you. You are the thoughts of my mind, thinking of endless possibilities that will never be. It’s sad, I know; you might even think that it’s sick, but I’m sorry, I love you.
I miss you. I miss the feeling of being wanted, not just by any guy, but by you. I miss those smiles that were meant only for me. I miss your soft hands, even if they’re softer than mine. I miss the scent I smell whenever we hug. I miss your texts and your calls. I miss you voice. I miss your ‘I love you’s. I miss you terribly. I really do, but I still don’t want you in my life.
Oh but don’t take it the wrong way, I love you, sincerely. It’s just that I know you’re the kind of guy that wouldn’t take great measures just for love. Through those bitter times right after our break-up, I’ve always told my friends that you have no balls, figuratively. You don’t. You never introduced me to your family, and sometimes I think that it never crossed you mind. I don’t know why you didn’t try but for me, that is the lowest point in my life. I can’t post “I love you”s on your wall because a relative might see, you can’t use cheesy profile pictures because your relatives might tell and we can’t go to different malls or even the Luneta park because your parents might think you are up to something. It was difficult. I held on for so long even if it was the case because I love you. I push those reasons away from my mind just so I can continue on loving you, but now, it’s different. I hold on to those reasons just so I can’t have you back.
Thinking about it for so long, I now fully accepted the fact that we can never be together. We were both afraid of losing each other. I sensed that. We weren’t too frank. We weren’t too stern. We were too submissive. We never had the assurance that whatever decisions we take, we will still stick together. We were just so afraid, you know. I think that I’m best fitted with someone who is a little bit controlling, someone who can demand. I may be better off with someone who doesn’t let me do (shitty) stuff just to make me happy. Someone who cares so much that losing me is a better option than seeing me hurt myself.
It has been N years and I’m still not over you. You must be so proud. Well, I still believe that we had a wonderful relationship. My love for you will never die, you know. The degree will eventually decrease but it will never be equal to zero. I just hope that we find our lucky ones soon. Also, I hope for our friendship to regain. Always take care my dear.
(This letter is for you, though I know that your interest for me have been long gone,
the thought of you stalking me never stopped)
