I tried making this my blog's photo header but I just can edit it. I want to whiten the background while the paint smudges and the color of Jo Boss remains the same. It's so difficult. hahaha anyway, I made this from Rachel's iPad. Thank you, Rachel Fanlovable!

twiddle dumb

I sighed out loud

Both of us too proud

To admit that it didn’t work out

That our love when south.

Why can’t we be together?

Why is breaking up better?

Are we not staying?

Is our love slowly dying?

Guess, we’re not cut out for this.

We shared nothing but a kiss.

I t may be passionate and hot,

But we want something, we want a lot.

You wanted to have sex in bed

‘i’m not ready’, that’s what i said

Then everything turned sour.

You’re lust was fading by the hour.

I wasn’t perfect too.

I want things you just can’t do.

I wanted to have a forever,

But with you, I could never.

This is why we fell apart,

Incompatible from the start.

Sucks for us, isn’t it?

Fools like us are meant to wait and sit. 

eating Ampalaya a bit too much

Funny.  Silly. Crazy.

I love you.

Hoping. Wishing. Wanting.

I love you.

Achy. Lonely. Empty.

I love you.

Broken.

I love you.

Loathesome Devil

When I first saw you,

I saw a face I could sue.

You’re that handsome, it’s true.

So please, let me hate you.

Let me hate you.

I hate that smug smile on your face,

A smile that makes my heart race.

I hate you

Let me hate you.

I hate your sexy whisper,

A whisper that makes me whimper.

I hate you and your sexy whisper.

Let me hate you.

I hate your hands on my back,

Those hands on me, interlocked.

I hate you and your hands on my back.

Let me hate you.

I hate your first ‘i love you’,

Those words makes me wanna say ‘I do’.

I hate you and your first ‘i love you’.

Let me say this.

I hate you because you’re you.

Lovely even in a bandeau.

I hate you & I fucking love you.

so much feels

I'm the girl that you adore,

the girl you thought was never yours,

but how were we even able to end things, 

if from the start, I had no feelings? 

I want to end this misery,

hurting this much isn't funny.

So, to the boy that was never shay (shy),

All I can say is..Good bye. 

arse

"My brain was saying no,

my heart was saying go"

and now my brain's saying "I told you so"  

☂

"stop waiting for something."

❤

"to die by your side is such a heavenly way to die"

4 in the morning.

You know why I hate you calling my cellular phone?

It’s because I know I have no power against you. I know that IF I hear your voice, my knees will go jelly again. I still want you, you know? It will remain for some time, but I plan to move on soon. I hate this uncomfortable feeling of longing. I don’t want to want you anymore, you know? It sucks wanting you and not having you at the same time, I’m selfish, okay?

You know what’s funny? I was this girl playing hard to get and no, you did not get me as I to you, and here and now, I’d like to believe that we are both hurting, well, I AM HURTING. Karma’s a bitch, is it not? So damn funny. Honestly though, I won’t change a thing. I still can’t trust you, and I’ll never be able to trust you, and you know why. We will be anything but stable, and stability is what I’m looking for. I want long term commitment, hell, I want forever, you are not that guy, and let me tell you, you don’t want to be that guy. You never wanted monthsaries, anniversary presents or whatever, remember?

I am BITTER. I am bitter with the fact that you’re actually treating your girlfriend like a girlfriend. Which, I suppose, she deserves.

Anyway, I can’t help but think that that could have been me; you being committed to me like you with her, only I didn’t took the risk. So yeah, I’m jealous and I’m bitter. This being said, I don’t want you to assume anything. You might be reading this, we just don’t know, so let me be clear here, ok?

I like you, yeah, but there’s no future for us anymore. I’ve accepted it. Maybe not a hundred percent, so please, help me on that one. Be an ass. Make-out with your girlfriend and post it on ask.fm.

SPEAKING OF ASK.FM, will you please stop being so dilly-dally? Don’t give safe answers. Don’t choose both of us, I’ve already been hurt enough, and a little more pain would actually help me move on from you. Stick with your girlfriend. She might be good for you. She has suffered enough too, it’s time you focus on something real, something yours; because I’m not yours anymore, Xy.

I like that. Let me say it again.

I am not yours anymore, Xyriel. Let go. 

apology letter

Dear Mia,

I know I have been MIA, especially during your birthday. I'm really sorry. I know it was your birthday that day and I intentionally didn't greet you, I swear! I didn't greet you because I was planning to surprise you, what kind is what I didn't know & I still don't know and I know it's way past your birthday, but with cappas, late birthday surprises is the norm (or are normal), is it not? So I thought that it's okay---err--everything will be okay, but of course I can't show my face because I'd be feeling guilty. And then hell weeksss started and I began losing my time for planning, and honestly, I can't think of anything. :(

I read some of your tweets and well, natatamaan ako. Guilty naman kasi talaga ako. I'm so sorry. I effed up. I miss you so much. :( I hope I can make it up to you, but first, I must give you back your chem lect 1st exam reviewer because you'll be needing it for your finals.

again, I'm so sorry. I love you to death and i'll really do my best to make bawi.

Love,

Charina

✁

Hey. It's okay.
I won't care anyway.
Not anymore, not after today,
so, it's fine. whatever you say.

✃

I know it's me. It has always been me.
I tend to say things that might affect other people, but I'm not going to apologize for a shit.

I'm done trying.

I will push you away from me.

★★★

Dear awesome Jo,

You need to get your shit together and start being awesome again. Okay? no guy is worth ruining your mantra. ACADS ACADS ACADS THESIS. You keep on forgetting what your priorities are. Please. You need this. You need to graduate this year. May I remind you that you're the one who wanted to be single this year? at least after you graduate? so what are you grovelling on, you twit? CRY all you want but please fucking graduate. 

                                                                                                                                                   Love,
 
                                                                                                                                                Awesome Jo

douche

I'm not a bed. Don't come only when you're tired or when you want to cry or when you're feeling horny and then just leave the morning after.

because fuck you.

masochist

why do you keep on calling me? haven't I been hurt enough?

where the hell did you fucking get my new number? 

fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you. 

SIGH.

“Would you rather be deaf and a mother to a kid that has a world class voice with everyone telling you that your kid has a great voice, marvellous even, or have the ability to hear, but you live in a warzone, bullets firing, people screaming and kids crying?”

We need to stop feeling sorry for people.

Why should we be sorry for a deaf person, who will never hear another person shout at her, scream at her, bad-mouth her?  She will never know that evil voices a regular person speaks out. She will always have a peace of mind whenever she desires.

Why should be sorry for the person who can hear; To hear a Richard Poon song, to hear I love yous from a loved one, to hear giggles and happiness?

Why should we feel sorry?

Feeling sorry means looking at the negative side of life, moreover, feeling sorry sounds like losing hope, so, why should we feel sorry?

A bad case of Diarrhea

I have been suffering from extreme homesickness this semester, wanting to go home every weekend and leaving later than usual. I love being picked up from Alphaland by my brother or by him, I love seeing my family and him, I just love spending time with them and with him. Things changed though, like us seeing each other every weekend, it stopped, but the habit of going home remained.  But this Saturday, October 5 to be exact, I have never wished for a better reason to stay in Laguna. I hope some miraculous event will happen that will stop me from taking a bus to Manila.

 I have never dreaded seeing Xyriel Medina, not until that day.

It was around 7:20 pm when a white starex van with a plate number of POM874 parked in front of our garage. A guy stepped out of the car, looking dashing as ever (this part, I assumed. He never looked not dashing anyway), and knocked on our metal gate. Our helper opened the gate, with me behind her. I invited him inside, but he refused, telling me that we needed to hurry.

Then a conversation started in my mind

Hurry? Why do we need to hurry?

Maybe he reserved a table in a restaurant? A little bit expensive for a random night, is it not?

Oh. Maybe a movie. Right. A movie.

So I asked him, “uhhh. What’s up with tonight?”

He said, “we’re gonna eat dinner. Do you mind if we eat at Elias? Filipino food kiss ass. Hahaha I missed it so bad”

Which I answered with, “yeah, anywhere’s good.”

And in to the little bubble I hid again.

We are just going to eat dinner but he’s in a hurry.

Why? Why is he in a hurry?

And he told me he missed Filipino food, did he missed me?

Why don’t you ask him? Where’s your fierce attitude now, bitch?

Does he have another appointment after this, maybe a date with his girlfriend?

It is a Saturday night after all.

We were almost near Market! Market! When I noticed that we were sitting in his car for a lot of minutes now and that conversation we had has not been followed by another. Was he also having a conversation in his head? When i realized the silence, I felt awkward and sighed out loud. I never meant to sighed audibly, but he noticed and asked then he asked if I was okay?

I just smiled at him, and he smiled back.

‘am I okay?’

Okay? How do I answer that? No. No. I’m not okay.

I’m not okay with the fact that you were MIA for at least three weeks, then you suddenly gave me a surprise visit in LB, you also gave me a ring, filling my head with hope and desire; and then you left for Australia with your girlfriend tagging along. Do you really want to hear that? Because what you did is too fucked up.

Angry. I’m suddenly angry now.

I’ve forgotten that I was angry earlier because when I saw his pretty face, my heart did a-360 degrees from missing him. But I am suddenly angry now.

He parked at Serendra, hopped out and opened my door.  By some unusual fate, we were standing face to face, and we kissed made-out. Lip locked. Tongues included. Then I felt myself lean on his car, and I suddenly realized what we’re doing. I pushed him away.

He stared at me. I stared at him.

We had a staring contest.

Then he broke my heart.

(let me count to 60 first before I tell you his exact words. I need to stop myself from crying.)

“I’m sorry. I can’t be with you anymore. I love my girlfriend and doing this behind her back makes me a cheater. Unfair sa kanya na naglalandian pa rin tayo kahit na kami na. At seryoso ako sa kanya. Mahal na mahal ko siya and I don’t want to lose her. She’s everything to me. After tonight, we need to stop seeing each other.”

I stared at him. I was shocked and his words were a little difficult to comprehend.  I was breathing hard.

He grabbed my right arm but I pulled it back and then (thankfully) I said something I can be proud of.

“Don’t touch me. You’re a psycho. Goodbye”

“Please calm down. I’m sorry. kumain muna tayo. Please let me take you home”

“It is after tonight already, aalis na ako. I don’t wanna see your fucking face ever again.”

I heard him shout something, maybe my name, I wasn’t sure. Because when I took the first step away from him, a tear dropped, and then some.

In some weird universe, his statement might make sense, but what the fuck happened to us? What the fuck did he mean when he said I love my girlfriend and doing this behind her back makes me a cheater, In unofficial way, did he not cheat on me first? Did he deny the fact that his girlfriend is a panakip-butas lang? Did I imagine the whole thing where he surprised me in LB and gave me a you’re-mine-ring? What the fuck was he talking about?

I am full of hate right now.

Someone wake me up from this nightmare.

Writer's note:

this was written when I was in a very emotional state. May mga bagay akong niromanticize at may mga bagay akong isnalaysay na hindi na masyado madrama. ayokong basahin itong entry na ito na iiyak ulit.

puta. tama na ang pag iyak. 

may part man na cliche pero putangina, nangyari ang nangyari. 

isipin mo na lang, irerewind ito ng utak ko ng paulit ulit ulit.

what is heartbreak on repeat? </3 

Team Xy

Last August 31, 2013, you gave me a ring with “TEAM XY” engraved on it.

                It has been at least three weeks since we last talked to each other, and I deliberately put you on the screened list that first week. The second week I was longing for you. It was painful and hard for me to wait; then on the third week...on the third week I thought I was over you.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Why would you show out of the blue?

Mind if I put a poem in this?

‘cause fuck, it’s you I miss.

You cannot do that, you know? You cannot go missing one day and when I thought the storm is over, aha, you appear again. That is just unfair. Why don’t you just quit it? Can’t you see that i’m fine and dandy without you? Ugh! Who am I convincing again? Fuck.

The truth is, i don’t know what i’m yapping about. I’m the one who ‘dumped’ you and I’m the one who is forcing you to move on. Why am I still this attached to you and why do I feel like you’re somehow, in this crazy fuck situation, stuck with me too?  Whenever you do that ‘pakilig’ thing on me, I always forgot, for at least a minute, the reasons why we’re not supposed to be together...and then it will drop on me like a bomb. WE CAN’T BE TOGETHER.  Again, who am I convincing? Ugh. I’m doomed for the rest of my life. (HAH. I hope not.)

What’s the ring supposed to mean again?

I’d like to remind you that i am not yours. I am not anyone’s for I am not a thing.

Most importantly, you have a girlfriend. Even when I know for a fact that she’s your ‘panakip-butas’, she loves you dearly and I have to at least respect that. It’s not her fault that you’re a douche.

Goodbye.

But then again,

I remember saying to a friend

“Oh I miss being hugged and being akbay. Maybe I should ask Xy to leave his girlfriend and be with me instead. Papayag na rin ako makipagsex sa kanya.”

this was a joke, of course. But...

A thought is a thought, though. Nothing but a random-senseless-thoughtless thought.  

Katok sa Kahoy

Una ako’y naghirap,

Ipasa ang aking mga asignatura.

Kaya anong sarap,

Na tres ay matanggap.

Tapos ako’y gumapang,

Thesis topic aking prinoblema.

Hinanap ko ito ng buong tapang,

Kaya naman ako’y mayroon na.

Outline naman ang sunod na kinaharap,

Araw-araw kong pinaglamayan.

Mga tulog na parang kurap,

Ngunit kinaya ko rin yan.

Ang manus na yan

Ang huling kinalaban ko,

Sa daming araw na nagdaan,

Natapos rin ako.

Oh gradweysyon, ikaw na nga

Ang nagpaiyak sa akin sa sobrang ligaya.

||iwantjo|| 

In between

I was caught in between

Over the fight i’ve seen.

Each spat hurting words,

Flocked like angry birds.

Divided over the situation,

Both have important relation.

Not sure what I should do,

Not sure if I should choose you.

I was caught in between,

Both on me, they lean.

How can I fix this reality?

How can I fix this family?

||iwantjo||  

Final Call

You have done so well,

Left dear old me.

Change of hearts, I can tell.

It’s your fault, can’t you see?

So why even bother

To ask if we can talk?

Why would you cry a river

If away from me you want to walk?

Didn’t you want to end this?

Didn’t you hear me pleading?

Is this not to you a bliss?

Away from the endless nagging.

So don’t you dare cry over spilt milk.

Nor cry for a lost lover

Don’t you lose yourself on brink.

Don’t you ever suffer. 

||iwantjo|| 

In Depth

Hangover

Even when i’m sober

Loser

‘cause you’re my winner

Lover

Even when you have another

Stronger

Nor am I a quitter

Fighter

For this to stay longer

Forever

Neither am i believer

Riskier

This is something deeper

Lier

Sorry, I cannot deliver

Hangover

Even when i’m sober

               ||iwantjo||

Alone

In bed I found company

Far away from misery

A place really meant for me

A place where they can’t see

This loneliness, I often feel

To die alone is a constant fear

I cry and I cry and I cry

I sleep to stop or then I’ll die

I’m lonely even when,

People are gathered in my den

But then I feel like everybody

Is with me but not with me

True enough they are near,

Yet so far away from here.

Helpless with this fear I have,

I am nothing but a lonely dove.

                          ||iwantjo||