I have been
suffering from extreme homesickness this semester, wanting to go home every
weekend and leaving later than usual. I love being picked up from Alphaland by
my brother or by him, I love seeing my family and him, I just love spending
time with them and with him. Things changed though, like us seeing each other
every weekend, it stopped, but the habit of going home remained. But this Saturday, October 5 to be exact, I
have never wished for a better reason to stay in Laguna. I hope some miraculous
event will happen that will stop me from taking a bus to Manila.
I have never dreaded seeing Xyriel Medina, not
until that day.
It was around 7:20
pm when a white starex van with a plate number of POM874 parked in front of our
garage. A guy stepped out of the car, looking dashing as ever (this part, I
assumed. He never looked not dashing anyway), and knocked on our metal gate. Our
helper opened the gate, with me behind her. I invited him inside, but he
refused, telling me that we needed to hurry.
Then a conversation started in my mind
Hurry? Why do we need to hurry?
Maybe he reserved a table in a restaurant? A little bit expensive for a
random night, is it not?
Oh. Maybe a movie. Right. A movie.
So I asked him, “uhhh. What’s up
with tonight?”
He said, “we’re gonna eat dinner.
Do you mind if we eat at Elias? Filipino food kiss ass. Hahaha I missed it so
bad”
Which I answered with, “yeah,
anywhere’s good.”
And in to the little bubble I hid again.
We are just going to eat dinner but he’s in a hurry.
Why? Why is he in a hurry?
And he told me he missed Filipino food, did he missed me?
Why don’t you ask him? Where’s your fierce attitude now, bitch?
Does he have another appointment after this, maybe a date with his
girlfriend?
It is a Saturday night after all.
We were almost near Market!
Market! When I noticed that we were sitting in his car for a lot of minutes now
and that conversation we had has not been followed by another. Was he also having a conversation in his
head? When i realized the silence, I felt awkward and sighed out loud. I
never meant to sighed audibly, but he noticed and asked then he asked if I was
okay?
I just smiled at him, and he
smiled back.
‘am I okay?’
Okay? How do I answer that? No. No. I’m not okay.
I’m not okay with the fact that you were MIA for at least three weeks,
then you suddenly gave me a surprise visit in LB, you also gave me a ring,
filling my head with hope and desire; and then you left for Australia with your
girlfriend tagging along. Do you really want to hear that? Because what you did
is too fucked up.
Angry. I’m suddenly angry now.
I’ve forgotten that I was angry
earlier because when I saw his pretty face, my heart did a-360 degrees from
missing him. But I am suddenly angry now.
He parked at Serendra, hopped out
and opened my door. By some unusual
fate, we were standing face to face, and we kissed made-out. Lip locked.
Tongues included. Then I felt myself lean on his car, and I suddenly realized
what we’re doing. I pushed him away.
He stared at me. I stared at him.
We had a staring contest.
Then he broke my heart.
(let me count to 60 first before I tell you his exact words.
I need to stop myself from crying.)
“I’m sorry. I can’t be with you
anymore. I love my girlfriend and doing this behind her back makes me a
cheater. Unfair sa kanya na naglalandian pa rin tayo kahit na kami na. At
seryoso ako sa kanya. Mahal na mahal ko siya and I don’t want to lose her.
She’s everything to me. After tonight, we need to stop seeing each other.”
I stared at him. I was shocked
and his words were a little difficult to comprehend. I was breathing hard.
He grabbed my right arm but I
pulled it back and then (thankfully) I said something I can be proud of.
“Don’t touch me. You’re a psycho.
Goodbye”
“Please calm down. I’m sorry. kumain muna tayo. Please let me take you home”
“It is after tonight already, aalis na ako. I don’t wanna see your fucking face ever again.”
I heard him shout something,
maybe my name, I wasn’t sure. Because when I took the first step away from him,
a tear dropped, and then some.
In some weird universe, his
statement might make sense, but what the fuck happened to us? What the fuck did
he mean when he said I love my girlfriend
and doing this behind her back makes me a cheater, In unofficial way, did
he not cheat on me first? Did he deny the fact that his girlfriend is a panakip-butas lang? Did I imagine the
whole thing where he surprised me in LB and gave me a you’re-mine-ring? What
the fuck was he talking about?
I am full of hate right now.
Someone wake me up from this
nightmare.
Writer's note:
this was written when I was in a very emotional state. May mga bagay akong niromanticize at may mga bagay akong isnalaysay na hindi na masyado madrama. ayokong basahin itong entry na ito na iiyak ulit.
puta. tama na ang pag iyak.
may part man na cliche pero putangina, nangyari ang nangyari.
isipin mo na lang, irerewind ito ng utak ko ng paulit ulit ulit.
what is heartbreak on repeat? </3
