I have something inside of me that is slowly rotting away my soul.

It has a distinct smell, like vomit and rotten eggs, but more offensive.

I can feel it moving through my bloodstream,
from my heart to the tip of my fingers.

It pricks my skin like tiny needles,

and it makes my brain think of wild fires, ashed corpses and mother of sins.

I kill it with vodka and lime, but i think it only makes it stronger.

I experience blackouts every now and then. 

I guess, I'm not really killing it.

And it may sound crazy. *laughs

I don't know. but..uhmm

I don't think I want it to die just yet. 

Picking up the pieces of your broken, shattered self also means having to put up with the cuts from the sharp edges.

I'm so afraid of the scary thoughts that haunt me at night.
I'm so scared of the loneliness i feel during the day, even if i'm not alone.
I want to be gone, be free but where will my soul take me?
be free be free be free

the rays of the sun woke me up,

but the weather was bleak.

I can only love you this much,
If more, i'll break in your touch.
Every stare will cause an excruciating strain,
Every word spoken will be an ear-splitting pain.

I can only love you this much
I'll never be able to latch,
onto your arms for I'll burn vehemently.
or in your life for i'll vanish quickly and quietly.

To spend a lifetime together,
To live my life loving you forever
is possible; but there is none as such.
I can only love you this much.

so this is what they call pain.

         I've been talking to Xy for two months now, he broke up with his last girlfriend for more than two months. A week (or two, i think) after they've broken up, He asked my friend to help him find a way to contact me, and my friend, feeling cupid, agreed. She asked me to eat breakfast with her and no matter how early it was for a sunday morning, i couldn't decline because she just had her heart broke, which was true, and she told me she was paying for our meal. When we arrived at SB, she told me that she saw Xy inside and asked me if I wanted to leave, I don't know why but I said I don't. 

(that's why I wasn't so angry with her meddling because she gave me an option whether or not I wanted to see him.)

         Before I even stepped inside the coffee shop, I knew he was going to  talk to me but I still chose to go inside. 

I can't finish this yet. I thought I was ready but it looks like i'm not. 

I am hurting.

Hello?

         Hello blog! How have you been? It's been so long since the last time you've heard from me. I really missed you. I'm sorry for not making enough time for you. I know, I know. I know that i got so much time in my hands and I'm wasting it on nothing. *loud sigh

         I've been very emotional lately. I don't know if i'm hormonally imbalanced or if i even have hormones, but I've been an emotional wreck. I feel like i'm always on the peak level of happiness and i'm at the pit of my sadness, but i'm crying most of the time. Even annoying commercials make me cry and I don't know why. I feel like I have this great pain inside of me that i can't release no matter how much I try, it's just in there constantly appearing in small dosage. I have this urge to scream, to throw a tantrum and to hit someone, anyone. I feel like maybe this is a sign of depression, but I don't know. 

         I don't want to feel this anymore. I want to be free from this heavy feeling. I don't know what to do. I tried talking to my friends about it but they said it might be stress. I tried googling but ugh. I'm tired and my heart aches. I just want to sleep.