It's not easy to divert your attention to someone who is eating his own shit. -Nam

Harlot.

How I get the Goods.

Why in the fuck world do I always get a guy?

Okay. It has been 4 years (I think) since I got myself a boyfriend but I haven’t been living like a single person much. I always have ka-MU (Mutual Understanding, Malanding Uganayan, Maharot na Ugnayan, you know the drift) from time to time. It’s obvious that I don’t have the sexy body, I’m also not a head turner beauty and my level of IQ is average (well maybe a little bit above average? Since being a UP student and all. Hahaha) So how in this sick world do I manage to hook a guy?

The truth of the matter is that I look like I put out.

What do I mean by that?

Well, if you’ve notice, I’ve only been MU-ing with Manila guys, because they are such dickheads (Sorry for my past ka-MUhan). They waste the time of the day on me because they think they’ll get the goods. Wowza. Helluvah. No freakin way. But I know this fact though and I use it to my advantage.

I will not deny the fact that I also do stuff that makes them think that I’ll have sex with them. Green jokes, cleavage-showing shirts, doing more than kissing shinnanigans, I’ve done them all and whenever I realize that I got their attention, I do a little happy dance.

Of course I love the attention, Of course I am happy. It’s like a quest you must accomplish. It makes me feel pretty.

I know that you, dear reader, wants to shake me and say,

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

” Can’t you live without a guy in your life?”

“Are you that insecure?”

“Harlot!”

“Whore!”

“Puta!”

I know I know. It’s just that, I feel so lonely sometimes and friends can’t give the same satisfaction a guy gives. The attention, the care, the flirty text messages. Well, whenever I succeed on these quests, I actually gain karma instantly because I don’t get to spend time with them 6 days a week, and sometimes I don’t see them for the whole week at all! All we do is text all the time and I rarely get a proper date.

Want to know what’s worse? It’s the face that when the guy realizes that I will never have sex with him, he’ll break up with me or at least he’ll show me how disinterested he is with me until I’m the one who’ll break it up. He’ll make no objections whatsoever. It still hurts you know. Even when I know that I lure them in some false fantasies, I still hope that they’ll learn to love me instead of the lust they are feeling.

The last one I had an MU relationship with, he told me in the face what a fucking tease I was and he even accused me of cheating! The nerve! That was the time I stopped. I realize that I was fooling myself and I stopped doing all that because I felt like a lesser person than what I really am.

That’s the reason why I changed my number numerous times.

That’s the reason why I became less clingy.

The endless texting-relationship made me hate texting.

It made me hate being contacted through cellular phones.

It made me love personal dates and meet-ups

.

It made me realize that If I’m really an important person to you, you’ll fucking impose a date to see me, whether you’re a friend, a loved one or whatnot.

So MAYBE that’s the reason I don’t text much.

And no one fucking knows this, until you. 

A Tragic Story

 I blinked.

Once. Twice.

I've gathered my thoughts.

Then it sank in.

I started running.

I was running fast.

Running away from that person that held me captive.

Running away from that person who wants me captive.

I was running until my legs could no longer take another step.

My feet stopped but my body kept moving.

My body lunged  forward. I ended falling to the ground.

I know it was a bad fall.

I know I had scratches but I don’t feel the pain,

for it was my whole body that was aching.

I was panting really hard.

I was holding on to staying conscious.

When I was able to catch my breath only did I realize where I was.

It was nothing but a vast empty land and darkness.

I can see no light, only the lightnings from the sky.

Then I felt droplets of water on skin.

Plick. Plock.

It started pouring hard.

Lightning.

Darkness.

Thunder.

Darkness.

I felt weak.

I sat at the rocky path of a road.

I embraced my legs.

I started to cry.

Then I heard footsteps.

I stood up and tried to walk but I ended falling to the ground.

My knees were shaking.

My whole body was trembling.

I crawled for my life,

Scraping my knees on the dirty road

as I try to move forward,

But the footsteps were coming closer and closer.

I was sobbing now.

I was still trying to crawl but I can no longer see where I was going.

I stopped. I wiped my eyes and looked to my back.

I saw him.

He grabbed me from the waist.

I kicked, I scratched, I screamed.

And then everything went black.

Was it just a dream?

I opened my eyes and I realized that I was sitting at the back of car.

I saw a familiar face on the passenger seat,

my bestfriend.

Relief flood through me.

Then I saw the driver,

It was my boyfriend.

A tear escaped my left eye.

I was so happy to see him.

I was saved.

Until I saw him hold her hand.

And then I remember why I was trying to escape.

My comfort and my future chose to leave me to love each other.

That was the nightmare I was running away from.

And then everything turned black.

To Do List:

My New Year’s resolution:

1.       Save at least a thousand for every allowance day (7 thousand until March)

-          That means, my weekly allowance will be 2000/week. It will be ok. Chill. Remember, we are trying to lose weight, so cut the crap foods. Cheat day will only be during Saturdays and during someone’s birthdays (immediate family only). 

2.       Go from XL to L until March. Then L to M until June.

-          Zumba twice a week, Wednesday and Friday.

-          Ride the bicycle every Monday or go jogging or go Zumba.

-          Walking for fitness every Tuesday.

-          Curl ups, etcetera every Thursday.

-          Oatmeal for breakfast, half rice for lunch and no rice for dinner.

-          Eat in Fast foods only thrice a month.

-          List all the foods eaten everyday.

3.       Update blog more often. At least a blog a week.

-          Friday/Saturday is Blog day

4.       Look for a part-time job this March.

-          Probably online or anything in Manila.

5.       Finish MANUSCRIPT this May.

-          April and May; Everyday is thesis day.

6.       Attend only Campus Debate, Mind Gaems and 50:50. No more GAs.

-          Move one, Let go. J

7.       Do nothing on your birthday.

-          Your happy days are over! (Just enjoy febfair)

-           

8.       Get a real Job on June.

-          Time to set new goals. Start your savings. Help mom.

9.       Book a flight to South Korea on October for December 2015.

-          Only if you’ve graduated or working. I can do this!

10.   Finish the self’s monthly quests.

-          For a more fulfilled self. Go confidence!

*      Move on. 

-          Let go. Let God. Just finish that thing. 

*.   Be Happy. BE REALLY HAPPY